Love all the Peoples!

There are several reasons I am attracted to the religious life.  One of them has already been mentioned.  I would like to explore a second today.  What is it, you ask?  Well, in short, it is the inherent ability of the religious state to help one “Love all the Peoples!”

A religious sister I know once told me that when she was young she would dream of being a mother.  Sitting in front of the mirror, brushing her hair, she would imagine her future children, what they would look like, what their names would be, etc.  One day, as she braided her locks, she tried to figure out how many children she would have. 

Four?  No, four was not enough. 

Ten?  Ten was nice. 

…no, not ten.  Fifteen! 

Still not enough. 

The number went up and up until she arrived at sixty.



That was when she realized she needed to become a religious sister, because religious are mothers.  This might seem like an odd thought, seeing as religious are not even mothers in the physical sense, but as I have pointed out before, “mother” is a verb.  To mother means to love and serve unconditionally, and as human beings—but especially as religious—we are called to love and serve everyone in this way.  Religious and Consecrated are freer to do this than those in other states.

“It is the vow of chastity that gives us the freedom to love everybody instead of becoming a mother to three or four children.

A married woman can love but one man;

We can love the whole world in Christ.”

~Mother Teresa

The purpose of marriage is to get yourself, your spouse, and your children to heaven (a wonderful and admirable goal).  But the purpose of the Religious is to get themselves and as many people as they possibly can to heaven.  They are only able to fulfill this goal because they are unconstrained by the obligations of a natural family, the distractions and duties of the world. 

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7: 32-34)

I have always felt the need, more or less, to “love all the peoples”.  So while I would love to have “my own” children* I have had to think about the quandary of how I am going to bring that homeless couple to a restaurant if I have a bunch of kids at home to worry about.  I cannot very well go about giving all my money to the poor when I have a family to support.  I cannot pray six hours a day if I have kids to homeschool or a house to clean or a job to work.  While I would love to have a husband, and all the intimacy that that entails, especially emotionally, I cannot help but wonder if that would leave me free to be a spiritual support to others.  Wouldn’t my husband be jealous of my time and attention?  When I spend hours talking to someone about their vocation, when they call me at 1:00 in the AM crying out of sheer frustration (and they have) wouldn’t it only be reasonable for my husband to be a bit frustrated and put out himself?  It would not be fair to expect him not to be!

With so many people directly dependent on you, you have to prioritize, and you have to let some go.  You can’t help everyone…and you are not really free to actively try.  That is not a bad thing, it simply is, and I simply do not want to be limited in this particular area.  I do not want to be a mother to a few, I want to mother many.   I want to actively love and serve all the peoples.   That is the point of a Religious, and that is one of the reasons I am attracted to the religious life.

*I put this in quotes because, while here I mean “my child” in the biological sense, no child is really ours.  They are Gods, put into our care for a while by Him, and when you think about it for a while, it doesn’t matter how He puts this child into your care, the end result is the same.  So any child can be your child, if God has placed him or her in your care. 

Quotes for Reflection on Saturday, #3

(Yes, I am well aware that it is Tuesday. Never you mind. -Tally)

We think this verse is self-explanatory and needs no reflection; allow us merely to say that in the uncertainty that comes with discerning one's vocation--amidst the worry about the future--it speaks powerfully about trust. It is a much-needed reminder that as long as we do our best to trust in God with the innocent trust of children, He will never let us go astray, but will always bring us closer to Himself.

Little Playthings

"I had offered myself...to the Child Jesus as His little plaything.  I told Him not to use me as a valuable toy children are content to look at but dare not touch, but to use me like a little ball of no value which He could throw on the ground, push with His foot, pierce, leave in a corner, or press to His Heart if it pleased Him." 

Well, as you can see, I am still here.
Writing, not entering.
A student insread of a postulant.

Others are beginning to notice.  Just today one of my former students came to me and asked, "Aren't you gong to be a nun?"

The honest answer is, conventiently enough, also the shortest:  I don't know. 
Quite a while ago God told me to wait...and wait...and wait...  Now, it seems as though I am not just waiting to know what to do about my future and my vocation, but as though my entire life is on hold.  This quote from Saint Therese has always been one of my favorites from her, and it has been much on my mind lately.  It really feels as though God has "left me in a corner". 

Saint Therese, please help me to truthfully make your request my own.  I want to offer myself--my entire will--to Jesus, for Him to do with me as He pleases.  I want to Love whatever circumstances or position He sees fit to place me in, and not merely resign myself to His Will.  However, this takes a humility and patience which I just do not have, and it is so very hard.  Please teach me your childlike trust, your simple Love of Jesus and lack of self, so that I, too, may happily be His little "plaything".

The Religious Family

As you may already know, I am a young Catholic woman who has been discerning a vocation to the religious life for a number of years.  I have looked into countless communities, contacted upwards fifty of them, and become close to three.  I have studied their Rules, their community life, their habits, their charism, their apostolate.  I am only a lowly discerner and have never joined, but I know quite a bit about nuns.  And I like them.  A lot. 

As of late, the goodness of nuns has been much praised in the news.  People all over the internet are exclaiming over the experiences they had with wonderful teaching Sisters.  The speak of how Sisters are women of God, and are doing good, and are just trying to be holy followers of Jesus.  I would be very pleased and touched to hear all of this and see all of this support.  However, after reading only a few comments and articles, I realized very quickly that there is an itty bitty problem:  none of these Sister-Praisers even know what a nun is!

“Strike ladies, just strike.  Tell the men in the church to **** themselves”

“Keep doing Christ’s work ladies, let the Pope and his corrupt power driven staff play politics by themselves…”

“the Vatican and the bishops want to rein in the various women’s religious communities?  Good luck, boys! you are up against some of the freest spirits and thinkers in the church. your battle is lost befoe it has begun.”

I have always liked the religious life and have always been open to a religious vocation.  I first became interested in the idea of living in a community, and after a bit of research eventually became attracted to certain apostolates, certain charisms, and the idea of being a Bride of Christ.  I fell very much in love with nuns, all by their feminine selves.  However, despite my interest and attraction I made no move to actively discern or to in any way claim this vocation for myself.  This inactivity continued for three years.  What finally changed my mind?  What transformed mere attraction to longing?  What turned interest into wanting?  No, it was not some new information as to Orders.  It was not some discovery about women.  It was not even the stirring speech my Spiritual Director gave on needing to join to truly discern (though that was a part of it).  What really made me want to claim the “sisterhood” was the priesthood.

I was on a trip with my Spiritual Director, a seminarian, and a youth group.  We were going on a week-long road trip, the primary focus of which was a youth conference.  However, on the way, we stopped to see several religious communities and visit with the Sisters.  One of these Orders was the Nashville Dominicans.  We spoke with them, were given a tour of their convent, and even went to Vespers with them.  It was very beautiful and after it was all over I climbed into the van still wondering at the splendor and peace I felt there.  Then the seminarian with us said from the front seat, “Seeing all those Sisters…it gives me strength.”  He said it to himself, but his tone and his words struck me more than all the beauty and even the Sisters themselves. 

I admired that seminarian (now Father) very much.  I admire my Spiritual Director.  In fact, I know a lot of priests and most of my friends are seminarians, and I admire them all.  Why would I not?  Priests give so much.  They wake up at all hours of the night to bring the Sacraments and comfort to the dying.  They pour hours and years and their health into forming loving, charitable, faith-filled communities out of recalcitrant parishes of self-absorbed and change-despising old people.  They put immeasurable amounts of effort and care into involving apathetic teenagers and teaching those poor, wandering souls what Love is.  And then, inevitably, not uncommonly at a very bad time, they are torn away.  All of the relationships they established and the progress they made are taken away from them and given to someone else as they are shuffled around the diocese from parish to parish.  The whole process begins again, and again, and again, repeating itself in six-or-so-year cycles.  I can only imagine how frustrating it must be; I have seen how lonely it is.  They give so much, they sacrifice so much, and they get so little in return.

When I heard that seminarian say with such feeling, such emotion, that those Nashville Dominicans give him strength…I wanted that.  I wanted to be one of those women who lend priests strength.  I wanted to serve those who serve.  I wanted to be a Clare for Francis.  That was all.  That was what made me want religious life. 

This is not a strange reason to be attracted.  It is quite natural, evident in the very words we use to describe the people involved.  Anyone who knows a crumb about the Catholic Church is well aware that she—while being the sum total of her members, and all together the Body of Christ and His family—has also a sort of “family-within-a-family”.  Father, Brother, Sister, and Mother are very common terms in the Catholic Church, not only on a mundane and physical level, but also in a spiritual sense.  These special men and women devote their entire lives and give their very souls to Christ and His Church, and in doing so form a sort of spiritual family of their own.  Commenters such as the above wish to divorce this family; what they do not understand is that in doing so they would destroy exactly what they claim to defend. 

How can one be a Sister if they do not have a Brother?  How can one be a Mother if there is no Father?  These titles we call our religious by reveal a deeper truth about their vocation: they do not stand alone.  These selfless people are not defined by themselves but find their identity in the other.  To advocate their separation is equal to an act of violence upon a very real family; to shout eagerly “away with the bishops and the Pope; the sisters are the conscience of the church!” is paramount to wishing away the sibling of a sister or brother. 

“You go ladies!! The days of follow the leader are over, especially when the leadership is exclusively comprised of only one gender.”

When people speak like this, I have no idea what they are talking about.  They certainly aren’t speaking of nuns, since sisters would be nothing without priests and the Church.  I can only conclude that they do not know of that which they speak.  Or perhaps they hate religious sisters AND the Vatican, and wish to bring about the destruction of both.  Either way, it offends me greatly for it threatens a family I have long cherished.

As for the Sisters of the LCWR themselves…if the comments attributed to them are true…I feel sorry for them.  I do not know how or why, but they have forgotten who and what they are.  How very sad it is to see women who have given their lives forget what they gave it for!  To see a Sister who remembers not her Brother, a Mother who doesn’t recall the Father of her children, makes me cry.  To know that a woman calls herself a nun, places herself in name at the core of the Church, and then would defy and deny that Church…I really have no words.  I just hope and pray that the reform the Vatican is implementing for the LCWR will cure these sisters of their amnesia. 

 As for me…when it comes to religious life, I do not want to be a woman.  I want to be a daughter to a loving Father.  I do not want to be a single sibling; I want to be a sister.  I do not want to be an old maid; I want to be a mother.  I do not want to marry feminism; I want to marry Christ and serve His Church, and without priests there is no Church.  To call myself a sister without these would make no sense.  I would not be a Sister. 

“Thank God, I mean that literally, your thinking is dying out, as the old right-wingers of Catholicism make their final gasps.”

There are no poles in this issue; you either stand with the Church, or against her.  I do not want your substitute, your broken family, your amnesiac mothers and sisters.  I, along with countless other young Catholic women, want the Church and we want Francis.  I’d be proud to be one of the many, many reasons the CMSWR is growing.

CMSWR vs. LCWR

If you want to see some Sisters who know who they are, visit this website: CMSWR

If you want to see how Brothers care for their Sisters, go HERE

And if you want to know more about the Nashville Dominicans, visit their WEBSITE

Please pray for our priests, and those who support them.  They are Fathers as surely as those you celebrated with yesterday!

How Did Your Parents Take It?

At one of the discernment talks I gave to the children of my parish's Catechism class, I was asked the above question.  I didn't want to answer that question here, since it is a very personal one.  However, I changed my mind when someone found my blog by googling the query "How do I tell my parents I am discerning religious life?" I'm afraid none of my posts answered her question, and since I know it is an issue many struggle with, I thought I would lend what little assistance I could.  Here is it.

"How did you tell your parents?"

There have been three stages in my discernment--if you care to call the first "discernment".  It began when I was about seven; I had an enthusiasm for Orders, religious saints, and religious in general that waxed and waned from then until I was about thirteen.  I did not have to tell my parents anything about my being attracted to the religious life, because hints of it were everywhere.  It came as no surprise to them when, at thirteen, I announced I wanted to join a Third Order.  Though it was the first time I spoke of moving beyond interest and actually doing something, it was still a much easier topic to discuss than religious life proper, Third Orders being for lay people.  If I had to give any advice, I would say gradually let your parents know you are interested in the religious life.  Especially if they are of a different Faith, or if you haven't ever shown an inclination toward it before.  Chances are God didn't spring a religious vocation upon you; I would suggest not springing it on your parents.  That's what Father Francis did...and it didn't turn out all that well...

The second stage was when I began to actively discern (I was sixteen).  My Spiritual Director encouraged me to begin seriously considering actually joining an Order, and I began looking into Orders to join.  It was no longer a matter of "if" but of "where" and "when".  I did not sit my parents down and "lay the chips before them" at this point, but I should have.  And my advice would be to do this, when you tell your parents that you are actively discerning.  Schedule a dinner, clear an hour or two in the afternoon, sit down with them and just tell them you are seriously considering the religious life.  Be certain to tell them *why* you are drawn to it.  That, I think, is the most important part.  They need, above all, to know what this means to you.  They are your parents; they love you and want what is best for you.  When they see that this is what you feel you need to do and that this is what will make you happy, they will come around eventually, no matter how averse to it they might seem in the beginning.

"How did your parents take it?"

A vocation is difficult to accept, especially if it involves religious orders and especially if it involves girls.  A religious is not like a diocesan priest.  More often than not, becoming a religious involves your child moving very far away, with stringent visitation rules.  Parents struggle with letting their children leave the nest in the most normal of circumstances.  It can be devastating when they realize the "they'll be home from college at the end of every semester" expectation is now "I'll see them twelve hours a year".  Giving a child to God is big loss that can be difficult to cope with.

 My parents handled the prospect rather well, considering.  Oh, yes, I had to hear my mother joyfully exclaim how wonderful it would be if my brother became a priest even as she cried over my becoming a sister.  There was an occasion when she compared my leaving and joining to my being dead.  I have a friend who joined the cloister a while back, and her mom took the separation rather hard.  Their experience, I think, scared my mother very much even though I made it clear my "cloisterphobia" would never allow me to join such a convent as my friend.  But my parents never said that they did not want to me become a Sister.  They never forbid me from discerning. They love God, and know that it means to do His Will with an open heart.

My parents and I never had any difficulty with the fact of my discernment.  However, they did disagree with the way I went about discerning.  Actually, they disagreed with just about everything in that respect.  When I said I wouldn't be going to college, they began to wax eloquent on the benefits of a higher education.  When I said I'd join right out of high school, they protested that I needed to "live first".  When I refused to date, all of the previous rules ("you can't date until you are 18!") instantly disappeared.  If my spiritual director said to do X, they would find ten people (named or unnamed) to advise Y.  I felt guilty and indignant at their lack of trust in my judgment and my SD's, and they felt hurt that I didn't take their advice.  It was quite a while before the entire matter was resolved, but it was resolved eventually, and I will not exaggerate it: it was never very bad.  There have been worse cases, and better ones.

 Parents are supposed to prepare their children to make life decisions, and one of the greatest decisions is Vocation.  Parents, naturally, worry about their children making the proper choice.  However, they cannot make the decision for their child; and it comes to a point when they cannot even help.  The fact is, parents are involved.  Their love, their attachment, their worry...though not bad things (they are good things, and necessary!) can cloud their vision.  They cannot view the situation or their child's spiritual state objectively.  Meanwhile, the child--confused and worried over discernment itself--wants to please his/her parents.  S/he will feel guilty if s/he thinks she isn't doing what her parents would like her to do.  S/he will feel as though she needs to do what they want him/her to.  And sometimes, what the parents would like their child to do just isn't what is objectively best for the child and their relationship with God.

It goes without saying that it is good to love your parents.  It is good to listen to them, to weight their advice, and to learn from their wisdom.  But when it comes to your vocation and your relationship with God...that is between you, your spiritual director, and God; no one else.

A friend of mine gave some good concrete advice for dealing with conflict in the family:

"Pray for your mom.  Don't try so hard to make her accept your decision.  Do not try to defend your own.  It will only cause grief and the only thing that helps this situation is time -- lots of it.  Years of it.  Instead, focus your attention on loving your mom with all your strength.  She's likely thinking about loosing you every time she sees you.  If she offers you a barbed comment about your future choice, or that you should be dating, give her a hug and say "thanks for the love" sincerely and without sarcasm.  Then drop it.  You want your last months/moments with your mom to be memories she can hold onto when she wants to call and hear your voice but can't, when she wants to visit but can't etc......  Most of all --do not feel guilty.  You are not causing your mother pain by your decision - her own attachments are. (Don't tell her this.... her attachments are good attachments..... she should be attached!  She's your mom!)  Give your pain to Our Lady and ask her to love your mom with all She's got!  Rest in the arms of your crucified Beloved.  He understands."

Don't worry about telling your parents that you are considering the religious life.  Your parents love you, and that love will carry through anything.  If you are concerned about how to tell them, then ask your spiritual director about it, or someone who knows them and you very well.  Every parent is different and so every one will take it differently.  But it will all be fine in the end.  If you trust in God, He will never let you down.  Just pray, hope, and don't worry.

 Off-Topic Picture.  I like it.

(PS: for more than my limited experience, go to the Vocation Station to hear others' stories)

Mothers and Motherhood

I'm not good at keeping track of holidays, much less blogging about them, but since I know it is Mother's Day and can't pretend that I don't...here is a post about being a mother.

...I know nothing about being a mother.  That noun is as foreign to my vocabulary as...well...the word I don't know that should be inserted [here].  I am not a mom, and won't be for a very long time, if ever.  But the idea of motherhood and being a mom has been on my mind quite a bit over the years.  It is a topic that surfaces frequently when one is discerning the religious life.

"Oh, I love kids and want to be a mom; I could never be a nun," people would say when they discovered I was discerning a life of celibacy.  This was rather unsettling for me.  It implied that I do not love kids and, needless to say, I do.  I used to be absolutely certain that I was going to get married, live in a plantation home, and have twelve children.  Yet, even more so, comments like these showed a very skewed understanding of what it means to be a Sister and--by extension--what it means to be a mother.  

"Mother" is a noun, denoting a woman who has had the exquisite gift of cooperating in God's creative act.  It is one of the only privileges that the angels do not possess.  She carries within herself another human individual, and this unique and special little person has been specifically entrusted to her care by God.  She is given the great responsibility--and joy--of loving and caring for this child.

How could one not desire such a beautiful thing?  I know that many young women, thinking that they might have a religious vocation, struggle to give up the desire of being "mother".  I will be very honest: I never had this problem, and it makes me very sad when young women think they must give up the desire for motherhood to be a Sister or a nun.  They do not, nor should they.

See, while the above definition is not untrue, it is not wholly complete.  "Mother" is not merely a noun.  It is a verb.  It is not just having responsibility for another human individual--it is carrying that responsibility out.  It is caring for another person even when caring for them involves an extreme and unthinkable amount of self-sacrifice.  It is loving them unconditionally, even when one is not feeling very 'loving'.  It is loving them with Christ's Love; the noun side without the verb side is a shadow of what a mother is, of what she is supposed to be.

I realized this at a very young age.  I knew that it was possible to be a mother (noun)  without mothering (verb), largely due to my discovery of partial birth abortion at age nine.  And, having friends and family who were adopted and wanting to adopt myself, I knew that mothering was possible without being a mother.  Of the two, I deemed the verb the most important, and I realized I would never have to give it up.

"Love one another as I have loved you." We are called to love all children--all people--with the self-sacrificing love of a mother.  We are all called to mother.  The verb is the most important part, and we are called to fulfill it, not only with "our" children, but with *every* Child of God.  I never struggled with the "I'll-never-be-a-mother" aspect of the religious life, because I am perfectly capable of mothering no matter what my state.  Mothering is the most important, beautiful, and obligatory aspect of motherhood, and it was one I did not have to give up even were I to become a Sister.

Today, I would like to thank everyone who has ever fulfilled the most important aspect of motherhood: mothering. I would like to thank the mothers who loved their children enough to go through with their pregnancy, and who cared for them enough to put them up for adoption, or who cared for them enough to struggle through sacrifice and keep them.  I would like to thank the mothers--especially mine--who sacrificed years caring for and loving their children.  I would like to thank the godmothers, friends, and sisters who loved with a mother's charitable Love.  Most of all, I would like to thank the Sisters and nuns who devote their entire lives to mothering poor lost sinners in this valley of tears. Here's to you all, you who understand most what the word "mother" means.  May Mary--the perfect mother in both senses--forever guide and pray for you, and may God bless you on this special day!

The Right Choice and the Wrong One

At my talk to the Confirmation and Highschool students the other day, I was asked two very interesting questions by a young fellow discerner.

The first was: "How do you know if you have made the right choice about your Vocation?"

Well...I haven't personally found "the right choice" yet, as I am still discerning. I've heard some Vocation-Decided people say that "You just know." Does that answer your question?

...Yeah, it didn't cut it for me, either, and after speaking with some more experienced and eloquent people, I've come to the conclusion that the greatest sign that you have discovered your calling is: Peace. Not happiness, or contentment, or even superficial fulfillment, but peace. A deep abiding sense of rightness, like everything fits. I mean, think about it. God knew what you were going to do, and what He wanted you to do, before He even created you. He would never create you to be bad at what He plans for you to do, and He would not force you to do something that you are not made for. You and His Plan are going to fit together like two puzzle pieces. So, when you find your fit, when you make "the right choice," you will JUST KNOW, the same way you will JUST FIT.

The second question was: "What if you make the wrong choice?"

I firmly believe that the only wrong choice you can make is to refuse to trust in God and so not truly discern. If you don't trust in God and decide to make your own way in the world, you are setting yourself up for failure.

(...No, Self, it's not that I don't love you. It's just that you are a fallible human being, and making eternity-affecting decisions isn't your strong point. I'm sorry, but this Me, Myself, and I relationship isn't going to work...)

I firmly believe that as long as you trust in God, you will have nothing to worry about. Place all
your trust in him, and He will not let you down, because that is not the way He works.

("What are you doing Father?"

"I'm looking at that human down there. It's trusting in me."

"Let's play a game with it!"

"...Alright, Son, what shall we do?"

"Oh, I know! We will throw it into the world and let it fend for itself. Oh, irony abounds!"

"That's a great idea, Spirit. Should we give it a hint?"
"No!"

"Yes!"

"Okay, I'll give it a hint. Hey, human:

"Hehehe, pathetic humans!")

That sounded funnier in my head, but you get the point. God will not fail you as long as you trust in Him. You won't have to worry about choices; you will be incapable of making "the wrong choice," because HE is incapable of making the wrong choice.

Now, what happens if you do not trust in Him, decide to do your own thing, and end up doing something you weren't created to do? Well, all is not lost. There is not a single situation on this
earth, past present, or future, that God is incapable of--some way, somehow--turning to His advantage. He can turn the worst of situations into a good situation. Sometimes, He will even make you holy in spite of yourself. But still...why go through the trouble? Why make a bad situation into a good one when you can be making a good situation into an awesome one? If you haven't made a choice yet, just trust in God now, not later.

Confirmation is like Graduation

High school graduation is a time of celebration. Twelve tortuous years in the classroom have been successfully completed, and you joyously proclaim your praiseworthy accomplishments, your success, and the death knell of the formidable Institution. No more school, no more
books, no more of teacher's dirty looks! Over and done with, in saecula seaculorum.

Yet it is also a time of nervousness, apprehension, and excitement, for what is the number one question high school seniors are asked? (No, it isn't what parties they will be attending, young man)

The question is: "What college are you going to?"

(So much for the death of the Institution....-.-)

But that simple question, so often asked, reveals the second and truer purpose of high school graduation. It isn't about looking back, and it isn't about the end. It is about looking forward to a new beginning. It's about the future: your future. And the query looms: what are you going to do
with your life? You are an adult now, ready to take on responsibility, decide who and what you are going to be, and make something of yourself. It's not your parents' job to get you out of bed in the morning anymore, it's yours. Scary and exhilarating at the same time, isn't it?

It's almost Easter. I'm staring at my own high school graduation right now, at the same time
many other teenagers are staring at their Confirmation. I had to talk to some of these teenagers the other day, and the juxtaposition of events got me to thinking.

Confirmation is like graduation.

After your Confirmation, you become an adult in the Church. You take on the full responsibility of being Christian, and being a soldier for Christ. And once again, the biggest question mark is: what are you doing to do with your life? What is your place as an adult in the Church? How are you going to fulfill the call to sainthood? What does God want you to do? Just as the year of your high school graduation is the first step in finding your place in the world, the year of your Confirmation should be a large step in finding your place in the Church. Your Confirmation, therefore, is an excellent time to begin taking some serious time out to discern your
Vocation.

Sometimes, that's easier said than done. If finding the right college can be confusing, discernment is even more so! So, here is a quick guide to beginning discernment (as tested by moi):

1. Be Open. I really, really can't stress enough. Discerning your Vocation is asking God, "What do you want me to do?" If you intend to ignore that answer when He gives it, that defeats the entire purpose of discerning.

2. Challenge Your Assumptions. "I already know I'm going to get married." I've heard those words so many times! And while some people know what God is calling them to do from a young age (Padre Pio being an example) most people do not. Imagine if everyone just assumed they were going to be a dentist when they grew up, because their parents were dentists, or because they said they were going to be a dentist when they were three! While there is definitely nothing wrong with being a dentist, when you just assume that you are going to be one, you cut yourself off to a world of possibilities. It's the same with Vocation. How do you know for certain you are called to marriage (or religious life) if you have never even learned and looked into your other options? I used to assume that I was going to get married and be a famous author, but once I stopped clinging to that idea and allowed myself to really learn about religious life, I found that I really liked it. You might, too.

3. Talk to People and Ask Questions. Go to a priest and ask him what drew him to the priesthood. Go to a holy, married couple and ask them what is the best thing about
marriage. Go to a nun or consecrated single and ask them what they do. Hearing about the experiences of others is always helpful. And though I hesitate to challenge the wisdom of the elders, it has been my personal experience that curiosity does NOT kill the cat; it doesn't hurt to ask questions, and it will give you a real feel for what the different Vocations are actually like.
And you are bound to hear lots of funny stories, as a much-appreciated plus.

4. Research. Some excellent resources for Marriage and the discernment of it are:

Chastity.com

The Theology of the Body

"Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World" by T.G.Morrow

BadCatholic (You might have to do some sifting, but this guy has several amazing posts on marriage; just don't get distracted by the awesome pictures)

Brit's Wedding Story

And Nic's Blog, on the sidebar (to get a taste of how marriage and Faith fit together)

Some resources I've found helpful for learning about the religious life are:

Vocations Placement
Vocation Station

"And You are Christ's" by Thomas Dubay, S.M.

This

The Theology of the Body

Brooklyn Priests

Franciscans of the Immaculate

The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal

The Daughters of Saint Paul

And some of the blogs on the sidebar.

There are many more for both Vocations, but that would be a series of blogposts in itself!

5. Pray. Pray, pray, pray. Discernment can't happen unless you establish a dialogue with God; how else are you to ask and He to answer? So, grab your Rosary, your Bible, and your book of Novenas, and head off to Adoration.

6. Find a Spiritual Director. Sometimes, it is difficult to hear the voice of God over the clamoring of our own wills. Sometimes, it is difficult to hear God, period! A Spiritual Director can help you with that. A Spiritual Director is a holy person who can advise you, support you, and pray with you and for you. They help you when discernment gets hard and your thoughts (or feelings) become more tangled than Rapunzel.

One last quick piece of advice: you do not have to be extremely holy to discern. I've met people who say, "Oh, I could never be a nun/priest/what-have-you because I'm not HOLY enough." And that statement completely misses the point of discernment and of Vocation. It seems to have forgotten that we are all called to holiness. We are all called to be saints. HOW we are going to achieve that is what we do not know, and what discernment is for. Discernment is our search for the life that will make us saints. It asks what God wants of us (which is, in a word, sainthood) and how to achieve it (specific vocation). The very fact that you are discerning, then, admits that you are not holy, and you need God's help and plan to become so. So none of that "I'm not holy
enough." You do not need to be holy to discern. Discerning, if you approach with an open and
trusting heart, will make you holy.

So, no excuses. You are going to be an adult in the Church soon!

What are you going to do with your life?

Discernment and Friends

“Did you tell your friends?”

This was one of the questions that I was asked during my talk on vocation discernment last month. I’ve decided to post a lengthy answer here.

I did not want to tell anyone that I thought God might becalling me to the religious life. The
first reason was because, at the time, I was dating the previously mentioned guy. Telling the guy you are dating and discerning marriage with that you are thinking about taking a permanent vow of celibacy is not my idea of fun. “Boyfriend” and “Nun/Sister” don’t even belong in the same sentence. I was very attached to him, did not want to lose him, and so I didn’t want him to know I was discerning. Cowardly, but there you have it. That was my first reason.

The second reason I did not want to “‘fess up”, is because of a common misconception. I knew that if I told people I was thinking about being a nun, they would expect me to actually
become one. I was fourteen. I knew I wasn’t about to make that sort of commitment. Yet, I did not want to face the failure that others would see in me if I discerned out, and ended up not
becoming a religious. Therefore, I did not want them to know I was discerning.
If they didn’t know, they would have no expectations for me to fail to live up to.

Despite my hesitation, everyone ended up finding out about my discernment. It was growing on me so much and was so surely going to become such a large part of my life, that I was
not comfortable keeping it from my friends. Five days after I turned fifteen, a few of my friends and I found ourselves at a Steubenville youth conference. At the end of the conference, the bishop did a vocation call: anyone discerning the priesthood or the religious life was asked to come up for a blessing. I plucked up my courage, scooted past my two best friends and my boyfriend, and went up. It was a way to tell them, without actually telling them. About a year later I began to actively discern, and my parents told everyone who didn’t already know. Now, everyone knows I am discerning the religious life.

“How do your friends feel? How do they treat you? Did they abandon
you?”

My friends did not even mention my having gone up for the vocation call! They were not the least surprised that I was discerning, and they have since been very supportive and encouraging. One of my friends took the initiative to research the convents I visited, the Orders I was interested in. She went online to their websites to check them out and see where I might possibly be living in the future. One of my friends sits there and listens when I complain about slow letters, temptations, and the numerous other struggles I have encountered during my discernment. When I’m done dumping on her, she rants to me about how hard it is to
find a gentleman in this modern world who knows how to treat a lady, or how she
likes this guy but doesn’t know if he likes her, etc. Another friend went to visit a convent with
me, and has promised to write me letters and visit me when/if I join. The majority of my friends have taken at least a small amount of time out to discern their vocation themselves. They have decided that God is calling them to marriage, but they love God, and understand that it means to follow Him. I don’t know what I would do without them!

Oh, my fears? Well…

I did not break up with my boyfriend right away. It was not until I began to actively discern
(one year after the conference) that we parted ways. My spiritual director—and myself—thought it prudent. The guy is still one of my best friends. He took time out to discern the priesthood after we “broke up.” He has been very supportive, just as much if not more so than my other friends. I know it has been unbearably difficult for him, but he loves me enough to let me
go, and we both find comfort in the knowledge God will make everything come out right if we only trust in Him.

People have assumed that because I am discerning I will definitely become a religious. I’ve fixed this by learning not to care; I’m doing this for God, not for them. I do, however, take every chance to explain to them that discernment is not a commitment. It means that you are learning about your vocational options, that you are taking time out to pray and ask God what He wants for you, and most importantly it means that you are willing to say, “Yes,” when He replies. That’s what discerning means. Nothing more, nothing less. And we are all supposed to discern. We can give God at least as much consideration as we gives colleges, right?

Discernment Talk

Yesterday, I gave a short talk to some 1st-4th grade Catechism students on the subject of discernment… vocation discernment, specifically. The course of the morning saw me in four different classrooms, engaging students and parents alike, working from my own knowledge and experience of the subject matter. I’m a cradle Catholic, and so when I was little I had a vague idea of what a vocation was, but that was the extent of it. I knew that God created me after His own pattern—the same way Momma made scarves with her sewing machine—and that He wanted me to do certain things. I didn’t know that there was a word for this idea, and neither did the second graders yesterday; if they had discovered the concept themselves and had to give it a name they would call it “destiny” and “fabulous”. Now, they know the proper word is “vocation” and someday they will be able to spell it. The third graders had a better idea of what a vocation is; they could name two of the three types (full answer: marriage, the priesthood/religious life, and the consecrated life). They could name the first two, which was all I could do when I was four. At that age, I decided I was going to be a nun but, not having had much exposure to nuns, I naturally didn’t really know what they were. I was under the impression that they were exactly like priests—except they were girls—and I actually convinced my cousin to let me hear her “Confession” in anticipation of my ordination (don’t worry, Marian, the Seal has been maintained!). The majority of the little Catechism kiddos do not see religious extremely often, either, and were quite taken with the photos of priests, brothers, and sisters I handed about. They think they dress weird (and, sometimes, I have to agree).
Despite that, if these Catechism kids ever found their own orders, the world will be introduced to some wildly colorful habits; green ones, purple ones, and camouflage ones, among others. After all this lovely imagining, I dove into what I was there to talk about: discernment, and my experience of it.
I wish that someone could have spoken to me about discernment when I was little. I wish that they had been there to remind me of that Openness to God’s Plan, which is all discernment is. Maybe then, I would have never gotten myself into such a mess over my vocation. After the age of four I learned what nuns really were. And though my admiration for the religious life was great, especially as exemplified by the saints, personal enthusiasm for it was drowned in the appealing prospect of being a veterinarian. By the time the notion of being a religious occurred to me again, I was thirteen and did not think that God could possibly be calling me to that. After all, He wanted me to be a famous author, right? So, I looked into third orders as a compromise. I’d be free to write books, God would have a sort of a vow, I’d have a community…it’d be great!
Naturally, it didn’t work out, and I began to feel that God was asking something greater of me. So there I was, thirteen years old with no idea what discernment really was, thinking about maybe, possibly, not really telling my parents that I wanted to learn more about the Poor Clares. I essentially discerned discernment for quite a while. While I did this, I let myself fall in love with a guy (and I fell hard). Don’t worry—I was a ditzy fourteen year old, but not a sinful one. I never committed any crime except getting very, very attached to the guy. So, by the time this Poor Clare idea became a bit more than an itch, my interests and my heart each were sliced in half both ways. It wasn’t fun. It still isn’t, though I have a spiritual director helping me out now. I just wish sometimes that there had been someone there to remind me through the years that I do not know what God wants of me and that I need to be completely open to finding out. Maybe I would have never gotten into such a mess. Maybe I would have guarded my heart better, saved it for God until I was certain what God wanted to do with it. Maybe I would have given Him an honest chance from the beginning.

I hope that my talk yesterday might help some of those little kids, prevent them from falling into the same hole as I. I hope they remain forever truly and totally open to God’s will for their lives. I had a good time with them yesterday, and from the curiosity shown by the kids, their enjoyment of the pictures I brought, and the questions the parents asked (during and after class), I’d say it turned out well all around. Next month I will be speaking with the older Catechism students and the Confirmation class.

….I love kids. I wouldn’t mind being a youth minister…